Benny Hill

Monday evening the coffin is wheeled into the church.

The following morning it sits on the dull metal undertakers’ trolley in front of the altar, the tall pascal candle glows at its foot. The priest tells us that the five metal studs embedded in the wax base remind us of the five wounds suffered by the Christ on the cross.

The three women sit in the pew behind me talking in low whispers before the service begins.

Did ye see that Humza Yousaf oan Twitter? He fell aff his mobility scooter in the parliament buildin. He wis complainin aboot it bein posted oan YouTube. Dae you remember when Douglas Ross got hit in the face wi a ba when he wis refereein? Humzah wis the yin that tweeted ‘Whit a belter’. Aye, if ye canna tak it, ye shouldna gee it in the first place.

The organ is playing quietly in the background as friends and neighbours sit down socially distanced. There are plastic tubs of hand wipes in the middle of each row. A few are singing the hymn or humming the tune.

‘Sweet heart of Jesus, fount of love and mercy, today we come, Thy blessing to implore; O touch our hearts, so cold and so ungrateful, and make them, Lord, Thine own for evermore.’

A wis oot at the week-end for the first time since lockdoon. We went tae Glesgae. A lovely wee restaurant called The Dolphin. There wis a bit too much fish on the menu for ma liken, but it wis a good restaurant aw the same. Ye should gie it a try.

The server places an open bible on top of the coffin. He lights the candles around the altar. A statue of the Christ stands to the side, one hand raised, the other placed underneath the sacred heart, ringed by a crown of thorns and blood flowing. Mirroring the images of the damaged body of the Christ on the stations of the cross that ring the church.

Oor Gareth has been haen trouble wi his ears. He says they keep makin screachin sounds, but a canny hear anything. Anyway, he went to the doctor. He wis telt there wis a twa-year waitin list at the hospital tae see a specialist. Twa years. He could be deed by then.

The regulars are easy to spot. They go down on one knee, make the sign of the cross, slip into a seat and kneel in prayer. All masked. The visitors look confused, not sure where to sit or when to kneel or stand. The wreaths and floral arrangements are placed along the back wall of the church, as the organist plays ‘Queen of the May’.

‘Bring flowers of the fairest, Bring flowers of the rarest, From garden and woodland, And hillside and vale, Our full hearts are swelling, Our Glad voices telling, The praise of the loveliest, Rose of the vale.’

Oor Johnnie wis the same. He went for an eye test and wis telt he was developin cataracts. It’s a five year waitin list to get them done. A telt him tae go private. Whose clappin fir the NHS noo?

As the door of the sacristy swings open and the priest enters, we all stand. I can hear the words Benny Hill from behind, but the rest of the conversation is lost as the congregation launches into the entrance hymn.