Mexico

Conversations on the school bus…..

‘We’ve been to Mexico twice on holiday. Aunty says that dad is a drug mule for a Mexican cartel and that’s why we go there. Dad works for the railways. Aunty says that’s a good cover story as it lets him travel around and meet his contacts. She said that if ever the police come to the front door in the middle of the night, we should get into the escape tunnel in the living room. The entrance is under the sofa and it comes out near the river. I’ve seen dad move the sofa when he is hoovering and there’s nothing there except dust.’

‘What’s a cartel?’

‘There was a big argument at home at the weekend. Mum told Uncle Brian to get out and not come back. Something about the way he was picking the boys up and throwing them on the trampoline in the garden. I didn’t get it. He’ll be back. Apologising.’

‘We saw the queen when we were in the car on the way to York. She was driving a mini in front of us. Mum said it was the queen. Aunty Joyce said it couldn’t be because there was no police escort. We followed her for miles. It looked like the queen.’

What’s a cartel?’

‘My dad was watching the news when Greta Thunder-thighs was interviewed. He doesn’t like her. He said he would take the tyres off the next door neighbours electric car and burn them in the back garden before he would vote for a Green.’

‘I saw a YouTube video about aliens. Someone from America had recorded an alien on the cam in her front drive. It was amazing. It kinda wandered around the drive for a little while. She said it proved the existence of extra-terrestrial life.’

‘So, was it the queen?’

‘They had helicopters and submarines in ancient Egypt when the pharaohs were alive. You can see pictures of them on the walls of the pyramids.’

‘Uncle Euan lost his legs at the weekend. He was out drinking with friends. He drinks a lot. He couldn’t remember getting home, but when he woke up in the morning his legs were gone. He thinks one of his friends has hidden them as a joke. Dad had to get the spare pair down from the loft.’

‘What’s a cartel?’

‘Grandad is staying with us. Granny has Covid. She’s in hospital. He pees a lot. Dad says that’s what happens to you when you get older.’

‘Was it really the queen?’

‘My dad says the protestors should try super gluing themselves to a road in Scotland. They would probably drown, it rains so much. Or somebody would mow them down in their car because that’s what they do in Scotland. They wouldn’t put up with any protests like that up there.’

‘I just looked it up. It’s a bit like the mafia. They deal in drugs.’

‘What’s the mafia?’